Seat Up!

The recently revived Seat Up! Campaign can be seen as a direct consequence of mounting pressure by women’s groups who insist that the toilet seat should be “repositioned” after use by a man. It has even been suggested that men should use the toilet whilst in a seated position during the process of voiding the bladder! Referral to the Equality and Human Rights Commission has resulted in the formation of a Standing Committee to review the situation.

Although the philosophical debate as to the “natural” position of the seat has raged for millennia, it was Plato writing in “The Republic” who contrived the philosophical device known as the “divided line”, to demonstrate the four levels of existence who was drawn to this conclusion by observing the male act of urination. This comprised a sequence of four phases of micturition, the initial spurt caused by the contraction of the bladder and relaxation of the urethra followed by two further spurts of decreasing intensity and culminating in the dripping phase. Plato noticed that the trajectory of each phase followed a predictable angle and that the “line” diminished until at the dripping phase it was vertical.

This led Plato to the inevitable conclusion that the toilet should be in the shape of an elongated rectangle rather than an ellipse. The toilet seat soon became an issue once this new configuration was widely adopted and was later abandoned altogether.

Siège Royal

It was not until the reign of Queen Elizabeth the First that the issue of the toilet seat again became prominent. Her father Henry the Eighth had famously extended the length of the rectangular toilet in order to display his prodigious talents and frequently triumphed in competitions in which the distance of the micturition is measured.

For Elizabeth, who acknowledged that she had “the body of a weak and feeble woman”, needed to show that she had “the heart of a king”. So at the beginning of her reign she would urinate in the company of her noblemen using an Entonnoir de sa Majesté, a special funnel that enabled the female bladder to void from the standing position. As she gained in confidence the young queen tired of the banter associated with such occasions and decreed that a new design of toilet should be commissioned. Although based on the Garderobe that had been in use since medieval times and located by an outer wall of a castle or manor house in order for lavatory waste to be ejected through a hole, its use was updated in order to offer a greater degree of comfort as well as privacy.

The Siège Royal as the new device was known was bound in finest velum burnished to a high shine with beeswax and was permanently fixed and so could not be raised. It was the responsibility of the “Lady of the Bedchamber” to maintain the monarchs “Loo seat” so named after the Queen’s favourite attendant Princess Louise. As the Royal Court was not only the seat of power but also the arbiter of taste and fashion soon the Siège Royal had become popular with all nobility.

It was at this time that the controversy emerged again. As velum is permanently stained by any liquid that comes into contact with it, inevitably disputes began as to the culprit when such blemishes occurred. This came to a head when group of noblemen from the west of England founded the Furlong Club, the name was a corruption of “for long”. The club members, nostalgic for the revels of King Henry’s time, would indulge in the “Porcelaine de cible” as Henry’s famous pastime had become known, a competition to see who could “hit the target” from the greatest distance. However with its new elliptical shape and delicate covering the Elizabethan toilet was unsuited to this activity.

This came to a head when the most prominent club member, Sir Walter Raleigh organised a competition at the Royal hunting lodge in Richmond Park. It is believed that he established a new record of 15 feet 3 inches but to no avail, on the Queen’s orders he was beheaded at Whitehall three weeks later.

Nseetop

Some three hundred and fifty years elapsed before the debate began again. In 1886 after having met Gladstone at Downing Street the now deposed Zulu chieftain Cetewayo was taken by train and steamer to the Isle of Wight to meet the Queen at Osborne House. A large man who spoke little English Cetewayo was unfamiliar with toilets preferring to relieve himself amongst the more familiar environment of Osborne’s famed African Garden. The Queen having been made aware of the chieftain’s often nocturnal wanderings instructed one of the footmen to familiarise him with English toilet customs.

Although the toilet seats of Osborne House were made from Elephant tusks, a material with which Cetewayo was familiar, the Queen was very insistent on maintaining a seat down policy at Osborne. The footman dutifully informed the African guest of this rule by shouting repeatedly through the lavatory door “No Seat Up”. Unfortunately “No Seat Up!” is very similar to the Bantu word “Nseetop” meaning “you may have sexual relations with my sister”. After the resignation of several footmen the Queen was advised of the problem and Cetewayo’s stay at Osborne abruptly curtailed.

Did You Know?

Although incorrectly credited with the invention of the “Flush Toilet” Thomas Crapper did invent the “Floating Ballcock” and the “Modern Lavatory Comforter” (seat) and received a Royal Warrant from King Edward VII for his excellent plumbing installations. It was the King’s affair with actress Lillie Langtry which prompted his irascible majesty to bellow “Seats Up! at his footman each time Langtry had used the royal facilities.

Bob Marley’s famous protest song “Seat up for Your Rights” was written especially for the Seat Up! Campaign, the title was later changed to Stand up for Your Rights.

The term Stand Up Comedy was coined by the American performer Lenny Bruce apparently because he practised his routine whilst relieving himself in the cramped dressing room toilets. Bruce whose comedy was often based upon lavatorial references, was a prominent in the revival of the Seats Up! Campaign in the 1960’s.